Not fun. Definitely not a fave. Breakups are incredibly hard. There are no words to be strung together that could possibly describe all that you feel. And trust me, I've tried. All that is left is that they are incredibly, incredibly hard.
And it always happens, that you never remember the bad times. Always the good. Only the good. Whether you had a crappy boyfriend, or a great boyfriend, the memories that stick with you at first, and sometimes forever, are only the good. So counterproductive to healing.
And, oh the ups and downs. In life, we should cherish the ups and downs. It's not just a cliché that the lows make you appreciate how truly great the highs can be. But during breakups, you get to a point where you want to stay down and not ride out the highs. Because the shock of each new low chips your heart a bit more, every single time.
And friends. Mmm Friends. Whether they are offering coffee, conversation, good clichés, terrible clichés, legal or illegal substances, you need your friends. Because they make everything worth it. To them, you can say what you're really feeling. You can say what you want to feel, hoping that soon it will become what you actually feel.
And technology. What does that have to do with breaking up you ask? Everything. If you broke up in 2004 all you had to do was "delete from cell phone." Now there are a million more thing to check off, de-follow, de-friend, delete from phone, delete from bbm, etc., etc. etc.
And what's even harder, is when you understand. You know exactly why you had to break up, but it still doesn't stop your tears. Or your panic attacks. It still doesn't bring your hunger back. Or put you back to sleep when you wake up 6 times each night. It still doesn't make it okay. Because a breakup rocks your world. And not in a good way.
Recommendation: Read it's called a breakup because it's broken.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! F*#k, it hurts. It's rocking the very core of your being. You never saw it coming. You knew this was going to happen. You were going to do it first. You only broke it off with him before he broke it off with you. You guys were supposed to be together forever. You never liked him that much anyways. He was such a good kisser. The sex wasn't that great. You really liked his family. He hated your friends. You hated his shoes. You miss him sooooo much. There's no doubt about it - breakups suck. And now here you are holding this stupid "breakup Book" because, quite honestly, you'd do anything not to feel like this and maybe this book will shed some light on what you're going through. Maybe you'll get some sleep tonight. Or stop sleeping all the time."
There are so many more things that are running through my head, that I have yet to put into words, that I can't say out loud, that I have said out loud but would never want written down. And that, is why I am excited to begin writing in my diary again. Not sure when I stopped writing, probably around the time I exited University and begun this incredible (but incredibly busy) life called The Real World. But here I go again, and I am so excited, because there is nothing like going back years later and reading a diary. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Because the good makes you smile. The bad helps you understand that you've been here before and that every day is another chance to turn it all around. And the ugly, the ugly shows that yes, you have learned some great lessons on this journey we call life.
So in the spirit of sharing, welcome to a couple excerpts from "Leslie's Diary '05." But let's clarify, one is a personal thought. One, a quote that was applicable in '05 and again in '09 (completely different circumstances, but some thing still never change). And one, a kind note, from a wonderful friend, that picks me up, makes me smile, and puts things in perspective.
"My analysis of the panic attacks last night? It finally got to me that it is completely over. I felt like staying in bed all day but when I saw the sun out? I couldn't. Because I am not going to be one to "over" mourn a relationship ending. I have no clue what I'm doing. All I know is that thinking of a life where I don't get to prove what I could be hurts. I just want to mean more. I want everything to mean more. And now, it's a time for big changes."
"A person can only get over a broken heart if they are willing to let go of all the pieces."
"Le but de ce monde est de voyagé et de visité le plus de merveille possible. Chaque levé de soleil est un nouveaux défi. Prends la vie un jour a la fois, et profite de chaque moment partagé en ce monde!"
x's & o's,
Leslie
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